Wow. Just…wow. So does everyone remember The Scorpion King with Dwayne the Rock Johnson? It was a decent action flick–a little cheesy and no blood and gore. You know Hollywood, they just can't live without their sequels. So when I saw the trailer for The Scorpion King 3: Battle for Redemption, which is going straight to Blu-ray and DVD, I immediately went to the bathroom and vomited up my breakfast.
This movie looks–how should I put this–not good. It looks like an Uwe Boll movie, but Uwe Boll didn't direct it and it's not video game related. So that makes me think it might be even worse. Nothing is worse than trying to look Uwe Boll-ish.
I didn't even know there was a Scorpion King 2. I looked up the Scorpion King 2 and saw that the big star of it was Randy Couture. Listen, if you're going to try to sell us an action movie, you're going to need a bigger name than the former UFC fighter in it. So what Universal Pictures did for Battle for Redemption is pack it full of B-list and no-list actors on a five to six million dollar budget.
The movie stars:
- Billy Zane: the guy from the Zoolander runway scene, the d-bag from Titantic, and in the bad Uwe Boll BloodRayne movie
- Ron Perlman: a classically trained actor who just couldn't resist looking awkward while swinging a broadsword in this trailer, he also was Hellboy
Ron Perlman…what are you…why are you…wearing this…
and here's where it gets bad…
- Dave Bautista: that's right, the wrestler Bautista continues the trend of wrestlers turned movie stars, except the Rock gets amazing films, and Bautista gets straight to DVD threequels of movies the Rock did well in
- Kevin 'Kimbo Slice' Ferguson: ugh…really? So not only are they getting wrestlers and UFC fighters in these Scorpion King movies, but they're getting a guy that couldn't stand long enough to throw a punch in the UFC. I like that Kimbo is taking the professional step and going by Kevin Ferguson. After stinking up UFC for a few years I would want to distance myself from the 'Kimbo Slice' name as well. Let's hope he can actually defeat an opponent in this movie.
Glad to see the gold teeth made a cameo.
If you are interested in the plot, and why wouldn't you be with everything you've read thus far, the main character Mathayus' (from the Scorpion King 2) kingdom has fallen after his rise to power. Since that's not typical enough, he's now an assassin for hire and he is going to defend a kingdom from an evil tyrant for the chance to regain his power and glory. Joy.
Enjoy the trailer. Try to hold down your breakfast.
