Pocket Pool
begs the question: how much are you willing to pay for pictures of scantily
clad women? One dollar? Two? Twenty? Whatever the case may be, Pocket Pool
uses that urge – our desire for all things saucy and naughty – to catch our
interest in a world where it’s hard to tell the difference between casual
video games. All you have to say is, “Hey, you know that pool game with
pictures and videos of half-naked women?” And others will know what you’re
talking about. “You mean Pocket Pool? Yeah, that game is tight!”
At least
that’s what it seems the developers are hoping for.
Rule
#1: Shadows are sexy.
This
seemingly unlikely, seemingly out of place photo is your reward for playing
and winning the different modes of Pocket Pool. There are 13 modes to choose
from: Classic 8 Ball, Bonus 8 Ball, 9 Ball, 10 Ball, 15 Ball, Straight Pool,
Rotation Pool, Blackjack, Full Snooker, Short Snooker, Killer, Practice, and
Time Attack.
Everyone
knows Classic 8 Ball – that’s the game where one player pockets the
solid-colored balls and the other pockets the striped balls. Bonus 8 Ball is
entirely different from that. It’s a single-player game where you must pocket
eight balls in 20 shots or less. You’ll score 100 points for the first pocket
and 500 points for every successive pocket afterwards. Miss and the flow will
be broken. One hundred points are lost for every missed shot.
9 Ball and
10 Ball rack the lowest nine / ten balls for a game that requires you to hit
lowest numbered ball first. This is particularly tricky, especially if the
lowest ball is hiding behind the ones you aren’t supposed to hit. Pocket the 9
/ 10 ball to win.
Rather than
picking a champ based on the number of balls scored, the winner of 15 Ball is
the player who scores over 61 points. Points are earned as expected: by
getting balls into pockets. But no two balls equal the same point amount. Each
is labeled with a different number, and that number determines how many points
could be acquired.
Straight
Pool is pretty straightforward: rack the most balls to win. The game notes
that you lose your turn for missing a shot. However, that’s also true of your
opponent. In other words, the player who scores gets to keep playing until he
or she misses.
If you liked
15 Ball, Rotation Pool is another mode to check out. As with the 9 and 10 Ball
modes, you have to hit the lowest numbered ball first. And like 15 Ball the
numbers on each ball are equal to the points you’ll earn once they are
pocketed. Score the most points to win.
Blackjack is
very similar to Rotation Pool but with a twist: you must score exactly 21
points to win. Go over 21 points and the score will be reset to zero.
Rule #2: Angles are
sexy. (Note that Rule #1 also applies in this shot.)
Those who
know their Snooker will go straight to Full Snooker. This mode contains 15 red
balls and 6 colored balls. You score by potting a colored ball right after a
red ball. Once all of the red balls have been potted, your goal changes to
something along the lines of 9 and 10 Ball – pot the colors in order starting
with the lowest numbered ball.
Last but not
least, Killer is a mode where one life is lost for every missed pocket. If
that sounds morbid for a game of pool, don’t worry: every player has three
lives to spare. After that it’s hello to the Grim Reaper, and bye-bye to a win
that could’ve unlocked a video of a half-naked woman making seductive gestures
to a nearby wall.
There is no
question that pictures of women – any women, in any attire – are better than
99% of the unlockables found in video games. But games aren’t played solely
for their unlockables. Thus, I can’t review one based entirely on them either.
As far as
gameplay content is concerned, Pocket Pool does not deliver. It’s slow,
sluggish, and completely unrealistic. Not in the way that makes an arcade game
great, but in the way that makes you ask, “Where in the world did these
physics come from!?”
Balls bounce
incoherently. I had better luck shooting without aiming than I did when trying
to line up the perfect shot. There’s a line and ball icon to show exactly
where the cue ball will initially end up. But you won’t see a ricochet line
bouncing off the side of the table. This makes it hard to judge where the ball
will end up when performing a trick shot. Yeah, there are some pool players
who say trick shots are cheap. But this is a video game whose box cover
stresses the photo- and video-based unlockables. Do you really think rules and
“proper pool playing” are its number-one priority?
Load screens
are lengthy, and the game itself takes forever to develop. AI opponents go
through a thinking process that forces you to sit and wait while they plan out
a move. Granted, I’m a multi-tasker. When something holds me up, I find
another task to fill the void. But this game makes you baby-sit by having you
press the X button after every personal and opponent action. It’s a pain in
the rear that, no matter how much you’d like to, guarantees you can’t leave
the game sitting while opponents take their turns.
The controls
are cumbersome at best – treachery at worst. You can’t plan out the perfect
shot when the game relies more on trial and error than anything else.
Furthermore, the long wait in between each shot is ridiculous. Poker games
suffered from these problems until developers realized that they needed to add
a quick mode or speed button that allows players to bypass the moments they
don’t want to experience. Until the day comes when developers of pool games do
the same, these problems will remain.
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Gameplay: 3.0
Pocket Pool? No.
A more appropriate title might be: “Pocket Babes: Featuring Lengthy Bits
of Pool.” The game is a sluggish chore, and an arduous bore.
Graphics:
4.0
The photos and
video clips are not presented in full PSP-quality resolution, but they still
look great. The gameplay content, however, is very ugly. The six-year-old
Super Monkey Ball (which featured a billiards mini-game) looks several times
better.
Sound: 1.0
Quick, somebody
call the Guinness Book of World Records. I think this game just broke the
record for most repetitive music and sound effects in a video game.
Difficulty: Easy/Medium
More frustrating
than challenging, Pocket Pool’s AI opponents have an easy time getting the
upper hand.
Concept: 3.0
No game gets
concept points for having pictures of attractive women. Anyone can do
that. Tomb Raider used sex to get gamers’ attention more than 10 years ago.
But once people sat down to play it, they found a game that was really fun.
Hmmm, sex appeal and entertaining gameplay. What a crazy idea!
Multiplayer: 1.0
You can’t unlock
photos or video clips by playing this game with a friend. Hence, there are no
reasons to subject yourself (or anyone else) to the torture of playing this
game with a friend.
Overall: 3.8
If this were a $5
download via the PlayStation Store, Pocket Pool might not be the worst way to
get your kicks while taking a trip. It’d still be a torture of a game though.
At any higher dollar amount, it isn’t worth approaching.
