There’s an
old idiom — “you can’t judge a book by its cover.” It’s one of the simplest and
purest moral lessons we’re taught as children, encouraging us to take a closer
look at something instead of forming a superficial opinion.
Forget it.
Onechanbara: Bikini Zombie Slayers is proof you can.
In fact,
you might consider forgetting morality altogether before diving into this
self-indulgent foray of hedonistic and prepubescent fantasies. The game is
subtitled Bikini Zombie Slayers, and contrary to the teachings of any dusty old
phrases, it consists wholly of what its self-explanatory title suggests.
You get
busty chicks in bikinis slicing zombies like helicopter blades.
That’s
really all there is to it, and by this point, I can’t imagine much middle
ground. You’re either appalled by the game’s unabashed sexism or giddy at the
prospect of watching women jiggle while dicing zombies with swords.
Maybe
someday I’ll grow up. Until then, I bunk in the latter camp.
Bikini
Zombie Slayers picks up where the Xbox 360 game Bikini Samurai Squad left off.
That said, as far as the story goes, your guess is as good as mine. Something
resembling a story is told via Japanese voice overs and English text, but it
seems extremely convoluted and difficult to follow.
Once the
game stops fumbling through poor plot development, you finally control Aya, a
voluptuous Japanese girl who wears only a cowboy hat, a scarf and a bikini. The
game’s attempts at storytelling indicate Aya has a penchant for cutting zombies
into pieces and a bit of history doing it.
During the
game’s opening, zombies interrupt our introduction to Aya, who unsheathes her
blades and gets to work without really explaining why.
To be
honest, that senseless charm is part of the game’s beauty.
Onechanbara
doesn’t try to be anything more than what it is, and really, that’s one of the
game’s strengths. It embraces the concept and presents it with audacious flair;
aside from brief and skippable scrolling text between levels, the game stands
between you and the action as little as possible.
And make no
mistake, the action is mindless. It’s precisely the type of brain-draining
repetitive nonsense that makes video games such an easy target for parents
groups and politicians, and it offers virtually no variety whatsoever.
Yet it
still has its moments, and somehow, it’s not all that bad.
As Aya and
eventually three additional sword-wielding vixens, you work through linear
stages and slash through any zombies standing in your way. Occasionally, large
groups of zombies will erupt from the ground, and you won’t be able to advance
until you’ve defeated each of the undead.
These
moments are the most enjoyable Bikini Zombie Slayers has to offer. The more
zombies on the screen, the more opportunities to string together attacks.
Landing successive hits and building up combos enables you to unleash stronger
attacks, some of which cut through zombies like butter.
Reach the
end of the stage, and the chapter ends. The game continues the same way with
little deviation for the duration, save for an occasional boss.
From linear
stages to one-trick-pony combat, Bikini Zombie Slayers is every bit as simple
and repetitive as it seems, but it still provides a few moments of nonsensical,
inexplicable fun, and it might have more if not for the controls.
Unfortunately, it’s all about pointless, wanton Wii Remote waggling.
Each
character essentially has two main attacks. Swing the Nunchuck for one attack,
and swing the Wii Remote to execute another. Don’t worry about direction or
velocity; as has become the worst of Wii clichés, you need only swing the
controls in whichever indiscriminate fashion you so choose.
Clever and
beneficial motion control this is not. When a Wii game has you yearning for the
simplicity of button presses, it’s just not doing its job.
Any game
featuring sexy chicks wearing bikinis has an obvious, inherent need to look
good, and in some respects, Bikini Zombie Slayers fits the bill. The girls’
character models look great, and their animations are well done and
entertaining, whether slicing up a zombie or jiggling…well, you know.
Amidst the
heat of battle, translucent globs of blood will often splatter onto the screen,
too, dripping downward and creating a neat visual effect.
But more
often than not, Bikini Zombie Slayers looks like a five-year-old PlayStation 2
game. This is a budget title, but it’s a shame such bland and dated graphics
have become the Wii standard, and it’s more discouraging that this game looks
decent compared to the rest of the system’s library.
Still, I
had no problem coming back to this game for more. To tell you the truth, I
wanted to jump back into this absurdly bloody fray on more than a few occasions
even after I had finished it. It’s just an entertaining game.
Of course,
it’s also an extremely flawed game.
Don’t
expect too much from Bikini Zombie Slayers. The controls are weak, the action is
repetitive, the graphics are bland and the dated gameplay feels as though it was
designed ten years ago for the original PlayStation. But for $29.99, there’s
nothing wrong with a little mindless zombie-slicing fun.
Especially
when it involves bouncing bosoms in bikinis.
|
Review Scoring Details for Onechanbara: Bikini Zombie Slayers |
Gameplay: 6.0
Slicing
through hordes of zombies is actually pretty satisfying, but mindlessly waving
your arms to do so isn’t. Motion controls really hurt the experience.
Graphics: 7
On both a
technical and personal level, the girls look fantastic, and their animations in
combat and, well, jiggling are well done. Translucent globs of blood splatter on
the screen, but the environments are often a tad bland.
Sound:
5.5
I’m not
sure what techno music has to do with decimating zombies.
Difficulty: Easy
It’s
pronounced “oh-nay-chan-bar-ah.” Learn to say the title properly, and you’ll
have figured out the only complicated thing about this game.
Concept:
8.5
Hot chicks,
bikinis, swords and zombies. Talk about a no-brainer!
Multiplayer: 7.0
Cooperative
multiplayer makes everything better. You could name anything, and cooperative
multiplayer would invariably make it much, much better.
Overall:
6.5
There’s
nothing wrong with a little mindless fun now and again, particularly when it
involves bouncing bosoms and blood-thirsty zombies. Unfortunately, mindless
controller waggling scars this otherwise decent guilty pleasure.
