The 4th of July. It’s our exclusive US-only party, but sadly, not everyone can know the joy of strapping M-80s to their sisters’ dolls or lighting smoke bombs in the street. Perhaps you’re too young to buy the good stuff, or your city officials have outlawed everything except those dainty sparklers, or you’re still grappling with the loss of your finger in last year’s roman candle fight. I salute your sacrifice.
That doesn’t mean you have to brave the crowds and mosquitoes to catch a glimpse of the pyrotechnics outside. You have your TV and your video games, so celebrate the way that only a gamer can. It’s time to blow shit up for America!
Split/Second
What could be more American than burning rubber and 300lbs. of torque wrapped in metal? Chuck Yeager, Henry Ford, Dale Earnhardt – Americans practically invented speed. Split/Second carries that tradition with pride, but even when your eyeballs are plastered to the back of your skull, Split/Second is only getting warmed up. Face-melting explosions are literally around every corner. Cars combusting inches from your side, airplanes skidding down runways. highways twisting beneath your wheels, and entire mountainsides raining from above – it’s a masterful orgy of senseless destruction.
Geometry Wars: Retro Evolved 2
This retro-inspired shooter doesn’t have fiery explosions. collapsing buildings, or human wreckage raining from the sky, but you can’t be a stone-cold killer all the time. Sometimes, you have to set aside your patriotic stoicism, uncork those emotions, and appreciate beauty when you see it. With its blend of hyper-addictive gameplay, intoxicating colors, and thumping soundtrack, Geo Wars is like a festival of fireworks for your screen. It’s also far more entertaining than having to sit with your flatulent, beer-soaked uncle at yet another family picnic. Just don’t tell anyone that the game hails from England.
Duke Nukem 3D
With the perfect flat-top, classic Ray-Bans, a flimsy tank top stretched over steroid-ridden muscles, and the biggest guns in the business, Duke is the penultimate representation of manliness. Aliens hate him, geeky fanboys want to be him, and strippers can’t get enough of him. What more could a true American man hope for in life? How about a catch-phrase? Every action hero needs one, but Duke’s so badass his entire vocabulary is nothing but some of the wittiest one-liners in history.
Red Faction: Guerrilla
Alec Mason isn’t so different from our forefathers. He travels to Mars in search of a fresh start and a new life brimming with opportunities. Instead, he finds a world persecuted by unjustified dictators, native Martians that are misconstrued as savages, and courageous citizens ready to pick up the hammer and die for their freedom. That’s more than enough allegorical analysis for today though. You have celebrating to do, and no game can match Red Faction: Guerrilla’s orgasmic array of destructive possibilities. If it’s man-made, you can take it down with rockets, bombs, mechs, sledgehammers, or even the brutish might of a dump truck flying off a cliff. Even after the planet has been saved, Red Faction: Guerrilla doesn’t quit. Wrecking Crew mode is a playground of pure, gratuitously unrepentant mayhem that is sure to make anyone proud to be an American.
Enjoy your Independence Day everyone, and try not to set the house on fire.
