Look, we all know that video game heroes are cool. I don't think any of us have never been playing a game and thought 'that is the coolest thing ever. I wish I could do that,' before injuring ourselves by trying to jump off our balcony. (Just me?) But just because someone is awesome doesn't necessarily mean they're a well-rounded individual. In fact, it probably siginifies the exact opposite. So, in order to prove this entirely trivial point, I'm gonna walk you through the coolest video game heroes, and why they should stay in your screen, rather than your living room.
Commander Shephard (The Mass Effect games)
What’s his deal? Commander Shepard is the hero of the Mass Effect series and the first human ever to achieve the elite status of Spectre. He also bones alien girls and occasionally punches annoying reporters right in the goddamn face.
Why you would want to hang out with him: The guy has saved the entire freakin’ galaxy. Just think of the stories he could tell! You’d be like ‘the other day I was driving, and I saw this really cool sunset,’ and then he’d be all ‘yeah, well the other day I singlehandedly fought off an entire army of robo-gods.’ And then you would sit there in awe, quietly drinking your space-beer.
Why it would be a terrible idea: Shepard’s actions are decided entirely by the player, which means that they have the potential to be wildly erratic. You guys might be shootin’ the sh*t, playin’ some space-darts, when he suddenly buries a dart right in your goddamn neck, holds a space-gun to your head, and demands every last one of your space-dollars. He may be a hero, but that guy can be a d*ck.
Link (The Zelda games. We’ve been over this.)
What’s his deal? Link is actually a large number of characters, each in a long legacy of rescuing princesses, solving puzzles, and defeating Ganondorf. He’s got a large repetoire of weapons and tools, which he uses in his great and epic to journey to etc etc etc. He’s an elf child with a sword, basically. But he’s awesome.
Why you would want to hang out with him: Honestly? If I found myself lost in an unfamiliar locale, there’s no one I’d rather have with me than Link. You’d be all ‘I don’t know where to go!’ and then he would just, like, hit some crystal with his slingshot and a magic bridge would appear, and you’d be like, ‘wow, thanks, man.’ Then he’d protect you from some skeleton men or something.
Why it would be a terrible idea: Link is the worst conversationalist ever. He literally just sits there and stares at people while they tell him all sorts of information, which would be not only boring, but f*cking unsettling to boot. After a certain point, you wouldn't care how useful he is to have around because you’d be so damn bored. Plus, Link comes with Navi, who has the opposite problem of never shutting the hell up.
Marcus Fenix (The Gears of War games)
What’s his deal? The badass renegade protagonist of the Gears of War series, Marcus leads his squad to victory over the Locust horde after spending a large period of time rotting away in jail. He’s got badass armor, a grizzled and scarred badass face, and a gun with a chainsaw on it, which is as badass as things get. Seriously, just ask anybody.
Why you would want to hang out with him: Because he is, as I may or may not have mentioned, a badass. If this guy is hanging out with you, the odds are that nobody is gonna want to start sh*t. “Oh what’s that? You were sitting here? Well, I’m sorry. Why don’t you take it up with my buddy Marcus and his F*CKING CHAINSAW GUN. Yeah, that’s what I thought.”
Why it would be a terrible idea: Marcus has seen some stuff. Like, seen some stuff. I feel like he’d spend a lot of the time staring off into the distance, occasionally flinching at the sound of gunfire that isn’t there. Not mention, he spent a lot of time in prison, so his social skills may not be up to snuff. And if that’s not enough, the dude has daddy issues, which should come as no surprise. Marcus may be a badass, but he wouldn’t be any fun. And his last name is ‘Fenix,’ which is hilariously terrible.
Duke Nukem (The Duke Nukem games. Duh.)
What’s his deal? Oh man, what isn’t his deal? Duke Nukem is the wise-crackin’, tough-talkin’, alien-killin’ hero of the Duke Nukem series (including the lamentable Duke Nukem Forever), known for shootin’, kickin’, and never ever under any circumstances taking off his sunglasses. Ever.
Why you would want to hang out with him: Duke’s whole thing is that he knows how to have a good time. He’d buy everyone a round of drinks, probably let everyone shoot his guns, and best of all, he’s always being followed around by attractive women. If the party is where the girls are, then Duke brings the party. And probably some really strong booze.
Why it would be a terrible idea: You know those guys in college, the Bros with their muscle tees and too-hot girlfriends, always talking about how ‘smashed’ they got last weekend, or how they ‘smashed some bitches,’ or how they ‘smashed’ a dude on the football field? Well, that’s Duke. You probably couldn’t hang out with him for more than five minutes without him finishing your beer, walking off with the girl you were talking to, and calling you a pussy. What a douche.
Prince of Persia (The Prince of Persia games. Detecting a pattern here?)
What’s his deal? The Prince is exactly what he sounds like. He's a prince — more specifically the son of a middle-eastern sultan — who has to go into action hero mode and save his kingdom when it is invariably overrun by monsters. He’s gone through many iterations over the years, but they’re all really good at climbing stuff.
Why you would want to hang out with him: I’m gonna be honest, there’s one major reason: because he could teach me Parkour. And let’s be honest, who doesn’t want to know parkour? Also, he’s witty and could probably fire off some good one-liners for whatever situation you’re in, but mostly it’s because of the parkour.
Why it would be a terrible idea: Well, he’d be pretty difficult to keep up with. But more than that, he generally travels around with whoever his love interest is for that game, which means that you would be a perpetual third wheel, which doesn’t sound like any fun at all. Although ‘Perpetual Third Wheel’ is a pretty good band name.
HK-47 (Star Wars: The Old Republic I and II)
What’s his deal? HK-47 is a combat droid from Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic, who you have the option of putting together and reactivating in the first game. He pops up again in the second game too. He is violent, crazy, and awesome.
Why you would want to hang out with him: Well, first of all, he’s hilarious. A large number of the laughs in those games comes from HK’s intense dislike of the human race (we’ll get to that in a bit) and his eagerness to shoot people. He’s always got your back in a fight (mostly cause he just loves to fight), and you don’t have to worry about pesky human emotions getting in the way of your friendship. Except that…
Why it would be a terrible idea: … he hates you. It’s not personal, though, because he hates all 'meatbags’ as he is fond of calling them. But my point is that it’s destined to be a one-sided friendship in which you call him up to hang out, and he makes some sort of scathing comment about your inherent fleshiness, which is bound to get old.
Dante (Devil May Cry games)
What’s his deal? Dante is a half-demon demon-hunter (sometimes it seems like if you’re gonna hunt something professionally, you have to be half that thing. Just ask Blade) on a quest to rid the world of, you know, demons, by using a variety of swords and guns and demon powers and yadda yadda yadda.
Why you would want to hang out with him: I mean, just look at him. That guy screams cool. He’ll tell you about all the crazy demon stuff he’s seen, throw back some demon-beers, and maybe let you wear his cool red jacket, which is pretty much all I could really ask for from a hang-out sesh with this guy.
Why it would be a terrible idea: Dante is… pretty emo. I mean, the white hair aside, he prides himself on his ability to cry, and he’s got an evil twin brother who he’s always bitching about. I feel like after a few beers he’d have his head down on the bar, bawling and telling you about his family troubles, and I don’t need that sh*t from anybody, much less someone who’s supposed to be a badass demon hunter, thank you very much.
Mario (I’m not even gonna say. You know this.)
What’s his deal? Everyone knows Mario’s deal. He’s a delightful italian plumber who loves to rescue princesses, jump on turtles, ride on velociraptors, and spend time with his less-popular brother. What’s not to love?
Why you would want to hang out with him: Did you even read what I wrote above? At the very least, there’s the off chance that he would let you RIDE HIS VELOCIRAPTOR. I mean, come on.
Why it would be a terrible idea: “Yes, we know. It’s-a you, Mario. Now shut up and drink your beer.”
