CNN’s Resident “Hardcore Gamer” Reviews the 3DS, Knows Nothing

CNN really needs to stick to politics and international affairs. Earlier today, the CNN-based online business magazine Fortune had its resident hardcore gamer (who grew up playing Halo) review the 3DS. First off, I don’t know too many hardcore gamers who grew up playing Halo. Sure, they may have an affinity for the franchise now, but most hardcore gamers grew up playing the NES, SNES, Genesis, PlayStation, or Nintendo 64.

In any case, the Halo-loving “hardcore gamer” got his hands on the 3DS and had some pretty ridiculous complaints about the handheld. Though he lauded the visuals of Super Street Fighter IV 3D Edition, he commented that they weren’t exactly up to par with the visuals of PlayStation 3 games. Huh … Were they supposed to be? He then discussed the high price tag of the 3DS, complaining that it was more expensive than the Nintendo Wii. “Also, game-friendly competitors like the iPhone and iPod Touch are technically cheaper out of the gate, and definitely do a lot more,” continued the reviewer, who wore his ignorance like a badge.

Regarding the 3D visuals of the system, the Halo aficionado stated that they worked but that some gamers may take longer to get used to them than others. After 20 minutes of playing, he walked away from his 3DS experience “cross-eyed and with a minor headache.” Little did he know that his review of the 3DS was giving me a major headache.

The all-knowing gaming guru (who grew up playing Halo, just so you know) continued to praise mobile gaming, saying, “In an age where Apple dominates the consumer tech world with devices like the iPad, the iPhone, the iPod Touch, which do a myriad of things, it’s kind of funny to come across the 3DS, which does one thing, does it pretty well, but features a pretty sort of retro-looking design that would not be out of place in the 1990s. It also relies exclusively on cartridges, something we haven’t seen since the last Game Boy, pretty much.”

The ludicrous critique of the 3DS went a step further when the reviewer stated that the 3DS’s use of a stylus, which is “something we haven’t seen since palm devices in the early 2000s,” added “insult to injury.” He finalized his review by claiming that the 3DS will sell well because it’s from Nintendo, but he questioned if it would be as successful as previous devices since the iPhone and iPod Touch are also on the market.

Hey, buddy, the 3DS is designed for an entirely different market. Developers have proven that stylus controls work pretty darn well for their games. Of course the 3DS doesn’t have graphics akin to the PlayStation 3! The self-proclaimed Halo lover seems less like a hardcore gamer and more like a guy who got his hands on an early 3DS system and didn’t know how to find the “on” button.

If you want a good laugh, feel free to check out Fortune’s full review of the 3DS. Stay tuned for more right here as I, GameZone’s resident historian, give you an “hardcore” look at the presidential history of the United States. I didn’t grow up taking all those history classes in high school for nothing!