By now, we're used to Hollywood take a dump on our favorite childhood television shows, comic books, and video games. I've seen them completely change the story of my favorite game. I've seen them focus on a character that never even existed in the game's universe and make a plot that revolves around her (this is a Resident Evil reference if you haven't caught on). I've seen it with my own eyes! Take a popular game or show, throw some big-ass explosions into it, and slap the popular title on it. Then, release it into theaters and laugh your way to the bank as the countless number of sheep will see it, mostly in hopes of reliving some childhood nostalgia. Unfortunately, they see it, only to leave feeling pissed off at how much Hollywood has ruined their childhood obsession. Why can't they just stick to the original freaking plot line! Better yet, why not just STOP ruining the originals! Please, just stop!
Just when you thought they have drained every possible market, they turn to something I have known they had up their sleeves for quite a long time, yet feared entirely: Board Games. Apparently, ruining every other childhood love of mine wasn't enough for the big executives in Hollywood. Now they have to somehow think of a way to milk board games for all they've got. If you haven't heard yet, the newest cash cow for them will be Battleship. Yes, the game that involves two people sitting across from each other, randomly guessing spots on a map to attack in hopes of sinking the other's ships. A game of pure luck and pure fun. For some odd reason, Hollywood has the idea that this game—a game that's only goal is to sink the opponent's ships—would be the perfect big-screen blockbuster.
After slamming my head into the desk in an attempt to wake myself up from this horrible nightmare, I pulled myself together and tried to think of what could possibly inspire someone to think this would be a good movie. What thought process does someone have to go through to think of recreating Battleship into a movie? Then I thought of the checklist of qualities someone would have to find in a game in order to want to make it into a movie.
Does it have the potential to have a ton of big explosions? Check. Can we include a really hot girl in the movie? Check.
Well, there it is. That's all. That's all a movie needs these days to be a hit. Thank you, Michael Bay. It's okay that there is absolutely no plot. Yes, the board game's goal is to blow up the enemy ships, but that's not a plot. It is a goal.
So now, we need Hollywood to actually be creative and think of a plot. I can just imagine what it was like in that board meeting. "Well, umm…shit, all the plots have already been done….so now what?" Followed by a "Aliens are popular. So are Transformers! Let's throw that in there!" Concluded with, "Great idea! Let's make it happen! With tons of explosions!" You just witnessed the birth of the newest Hollywood failure: Battleship.
Why, Hollywood, WHY!? What's next, Monopoly the movie? Hell, that has a cannon and battleship! Think of the explosions we could have! I could see it now: Right as you pass Park Place, the Cannon actually transforms into a giant, alien mothership and blows up the movie script for the next board game turned film—Candyland.
Look, it's not the fact that Battleship is being made into a movie. Well, it is that, but here is my big problem with the film: it doesn't make any god damn sense! The ONLY thing this movie has in common with the board game is the fact that it does contain battleships. That's all. I don't remember my carrier being attacked by a giant, flying alien ship. I never used the phrase, "Your alien ship sunk my battleship!" Down Periscope, the 1996 comedy film starring Kelsey Grammer, should've been called Battleship. That had more to do with the game than this crap.
