Now what about you? Did I leave something off the list? Something so dangerous that it just BEGS to shared with the video gaming public? Do you hate something I put on here? Do you feel the need to bully me with obscene slurs? Let me know in the comments below!
5. The Glass Shard from Manhunt 2
So while the other four items I mentioned could all conceivably be made into replicas, the Glass Shard from Manhunt 2 literally is never going to be. Want to know why? It’s cause IT’S JUST A BIG HONKIN’ PIECE OF BROKEN GLASS THAT YOU’RE MEANT TO KILL PEOPLE WITH.
That’s it. That’s all there is to say about it. Watch this video if you don’t believe me. Look at the ease with which it enters and leaves the skin. Yikes. Just look, nobody make this, okay?
4. Big Boner from Shadows of the Damned
While a replica of Garcia Hotspur’s basic Boner gun would be no more or less dangerous than any other high quality airsoft replica, recreating the Big Boner, with it’s thirty-foot-long barrel is like providing fans of the game with their own personal airsoft pellet eyeball delivery system. I mean, what are airsoft guns for, if not pretending to shoot your friends and accidentally shooting them for real sometimes?
This would do exactly the same thing, but with a barrel that long, it turns a already sexual handgun into an overly phallic sniper rifle, and where most accidental shootings would simply graze the side of your head or plunk harmlessly into the more fleshy parts of your body, the Big Boner would make sure you hit that vital spot you jokingly aimed for every single time.
3. Tidus’ Brotherhood from Final Fantasy X
To be clear, Brotherhood is a sword filled with water. If this was a real item, and you swung it, and accidentally hit literally ANYTHING hard enough, not only would you have to deal with the shattered edges of whatever remained, but for water to appear that bright and blue, it would probably have to be mixed with so many chemicals that it would likely burn or poison you if it got on your skin. At the very least, it would probably dye you blue, which admittedly isn’t so terrible, but still totally sucks.
And let’s not forget about that nasty hooked bit at the end of the blade that’s just begging to either slit the wrists of a person who’s putting their arms up to protect themselves from getting wailed on, or pop the entire head off a toddler. What is that even for in the world of Final Fantasy X, Tonberries?
2. Soul Edge
This one’s more of a psychologically dangerous one. I mean, just look at that thing. Imagine being presented with a realistic replica of a six-foot-long, half-metal-half-dead leather flesh monstrosity, warm-able in the oven with battery-powered pulsing veins and a gooey dripping eye at its center with the texture of one of those gross out toys that you squeeze so that blood and guts pop out everywhere. Imagine keeping something like that in your room and tell me you wouldn’t start having murderous thoughts and terrifying nightmares.
Also, it would probably be super heavy, so much so that it might crush you in the night, and forget about taking it anywhere, because even if you could find a place that you could take it and swing it around without murdering or destroying anyone and everything within 20 feet of you, the cops would probably shoot you on sight for carrying around a biological weapon of mass destruction.
1. Kratos’s Blades of Chaos from God of War
These things are huge, these things are sharp, and oh yeah, they’re linked together by a metallic chain that seems to exist purely for you to accidentally strangle yourself to death with it. Seriously, unless, you’re quietly looking at them from across the room, I can’t think of one way you could interact with something like this without putting yourself or someone nearby in harm’s inescapable way.
Swinging ‘em around? You might accidentally loop them around your neck and literally choke yourself while simultaneously braining someone with the centrifugal force of a heavy metal blade on the end of a swinging chain. Pretending to wield them in battle? Hope you don’t accidentally step on the chain and tangle your nuts up with two blunt-edged pointy chunks of metal. Playing jumprope with them? First of all, don’t, cause, just use a jumprope, but if you did, you could conceivably just do all three terrible things at once, effectively murdering yourself and your two dumb buddies you convinced to play jumprope with the Blades of Chaos all at once.
Also, these actually exist! WTF? Destroy them!
Earlier this week, you may have noticed a news item we posted featuring replicas of Ezio’s classic hidden assassin’s blade from the Assassin’s Creed 2 series of games being made available for sale to the general video gaming public (It feels really weird to call that a series of games, by the way). It’s life-size, straps comfortably onto your wrist, and, according to the info listed at Gamestop, CAN EXTEND A FIFTEEN INCH LONG SPRING LOADED PLASTIC BLADE FROM THE BASE OF YOUR PALM WITH THE TOUCH OF A BUTTON. Wait, wait, wait. I’m sorry, WHAT?
Just imagine the impending tragedy bound to ensue when the first little boy’s extendable blade jams as he shoves it into the soft spot beneath his friends jawbone, like you all probably would if you were ten years old and you owned something like this! Shoot, a few months after it’s released, I wouldn’t be surprised if a real world gang of stealth pee-wee class assassins is birthed from this one item’s unholy existence, spreading tiny little death and even tinier terror throughout the world, as cleanly and as swiftly as only truly skilled teensy weensy killers can! Run for the hills! The end is nigh, GameZoners!
Okay, okay, okay. So maybe we’re exaggerating a bit, but you guys have to admit, it’s pretty hilarious that such a thing really exists, and that at least one instance of someone fooling around with one is likely going to cause some poor unsuspecting sap more than a fair measure of real smarting pain. It is in this spirit that we’ve comprised a list of the five most dangerous things from games, that, if made into real-world life-size replicas, would almost certainly be disastrous to some hopelessly clumsy “Star Wars Kid”-esque oaf, that just can’t help but swing dangerous crap around in their garage all day. Here we go!
