Top 10 Games Hipsters Hate

Hipsters—what the f**k are they? Part man, part cesspool social critic, these members (and I use the term members very loosely) of society hate everything popular in society. If you like it, then they hate it. If they like it—well, then we’ve probably never heard of it. It’s probably too underground for us to comprehend the existence of it.

They are the real world embodiment of internet trolls, and gamers aren’t spared from their wrath. If it’s not indie, then it’s not good. Don’t get me wrong, I love indie games, but they doggy-style-while-twisting-the-ends-of-their-Civil-War-mustaches love it. Them and their striped pants. And oh boy, are they enthusiastic about retro games. God forbid you say you like a modern game, they’ll force their rebuttal on you about the most obscure retro game.

At the expense of Hipsters, GameZone presents the Top 10 Games Hipsters Hate.

10. Limbo

I know what you’re thinking. “Lance, you just said hipsters love indie games. Limbo is an indie game, so they can’t hate that.” Here’s the Hipster dilemma. Even though Limbo is an indie title made by a smaller developer, Hipsters can’t stand this title. There’s nothing they hate more than an awesome indie game that gets tons of recognition, thus receiving popularity, copycat games, and mainstream attention. All you’ll hear about Limbo is, “Yea, it was good, before it went mainstream.” It makes them feel dead inside.

9. Sim City/The Sims

Sim City is a simulation game that has you build a city and grow it—it says it right in the title. You build roads, power plants, parks, plumbing, and residential structures. There is one problem though—you have to have commercial and industrial plots as well. That means businesses and corporations will be coming to your city. Big corporations means the people have jobs. If there’s two things Hipsters can’t stand, it’s big corporations and working.

The Sims has you control the life and actions of one Sim (person) in particular. Hipsters don’t think anyone should be in control of anyone else. So there goes that game.

8. Final Fantasy

So many people love the Final Fantasy series. There’s, like, 15 or 16 of them—I lost count. All I know is, a new Final Fantasy game is announced every two minutes. That’s a fact. Since Square Enix is a big-name developer, Hipsters are more likely to go play one of the more obscure RPG’s that is on no one’s radar (most likely because they aren’t any good). They’ll play these unknown games over Final Fantasy so they can bring it up in a conversation and say to you, “Oh, you haven’t heard of it? Yea, it’s pretty underground.”

7. Halo

Halo is the game that put the Xbox on the map. A Hipster wouldn’t be caught dead playing any game that has “Halo” in the title. Also, Master Chief embodies everything that Hipsters aren’t: brave, heroic, cool under pressure. Master Chief also wears a uniform. There’s no individuality to him. If we put a clown sweater, leather pants, a keyboard neck tie, and Napoleon Dynamite shoes on him, then they might like him a little bit more.

Retro and douchey at the same time. Pro tip: if a Hipster approaches you, a top selling game and Bruno Mars cd will repel it.

6. Super Mario anything

You know you saw this coming. Mario is in more games than other character. He is the face of Nintendo. Hipsters are way too ahead of the game to play anything featuring Mario. The only way they’d admit to playing a Mario game is if they’re bragging about how retro they are, playing Mario Clash on Virtual Boy. I bet there’s a Hipster out there right now, wearing a Virtual Boy as glasses or a necklace.

5. Call of Duty

Is there a FPS that gets more annual hype than Call of Duty? The game has two different developers for crying out loud. The online component and the social expanse that the game has reached makes Hipsters run in fear. There was also a study done about cultural trends by Yale students, which I made up for this article, and shows that Hipsters don’t play shooters.

4. Madden Football

What the f**k are sports?

‘Nuff said.

3. Rock Band

There’s nothing Hipsters adore more than their precious indie music. If their band goes mainstream, it’s the end of the world. The Rock Band games has gamers—with nowhere near the capacity for musical knowledge that Hipsters have—play some of the best songs ever by some of the best bands ever. Remember, mainstream is bad; what we consider great music, these A Clockwork Orange wannabes consider a travesty to all that is holy… or unholy… whichever is more underground. Also, there’s not enough lo-fi indie rock in the Rock Band library for them to give a damn.

This is the Hipster mustache I was talking about! You know this guy thinks he’s better than you.

2. Star Wars: the Old Republic

Okay, first sign of the apocalypse is if a Hipster plays this game. All the signs are there for Hipsters to hate this game: it’s not out yet and is already being heralded as the best MMORPG, everyone is going to play it, and it’s Star Wars. HELLO? A Hipster would rather play World of Warcraft when Star Wars comes out. Subscription numbers are in a downward spiral. It’s the perfect place for them to start a trend, and then if it catches on, act disgusted by it.

1. Minecraft

Odd choice? Not really. Granted, it has everything that Hipsters should love: a small developer, it’s an indie game, retro graphics, sandbox game. So why is this game at number one on our list? Simple: they liked it before it was Minecraft.

Minecraft was the game of their dreams. Then the whole gaming community found out about it. Everyone that tries it becomes addicted and loves it. It was a sad day for the Hipster community when they realized that something they loved was also something everyone loved. So, they had to turn on this indie game that represented everything they held dear.

So there you have it, Anti-Hipsters. Unite and embrace the fact that we, as a gaming community, can continue can fight off the disease that is Hipsterism by continuing to play well-crafted, good ol’ fun games. Whether it is an indie game or not, if we like it, they’ll avoid it.

You can follow Lance Liebl on Twitter @Lance_GZ