Army Men: Soldiers of Misfortune – NDS – Review

Before 3DO shut its doors, it was were the
publisher of the Army Men video game series. While never a series that received
much acclaim, Army Men was not unlike the Dynasty Warriors games: entertaining
in the beginning but eventually killed by gameplay, graphic and scenario
rehashes (plus a number of glitches that seemed to grow with each sequel).
Regardless of its demise, the fond memories remain. After all, these are the
toys kids played with before and long after more advanced "action figures" hit
the market.

Army Men: Soldiers of Misfortune is Zoo’s attempt
to carry on the Army Men legacy. Built for Nintendo DS, this pocket-sized
shooter is as portable as the toys the game is based on. That, unfortunately, is
about the only good thing that can be said about the title. Though you may be
lured by the Army Men name or whimsical box art, do not be fooled: this is not a
game for kids, Army Men enthusiasts or anyone else.

Let’s start with the controls. The developers
must be fans of Metroid Prime since they tried to base their touch mechanics on
the DS version. Using the D-pad to move forward and back, the player can run and
walk in a straight line. Pushing left or right makes your character, a young boy
named Timmy, turn in that direction. To get him to strafe (or more specifically,
to make him walk in a box), you’ll need to hold down the L button. Tap the
screen to attack using a kid-friendly weapon (think darts, foam balls or other
goodies you’d expect a kid to have) and hold the R button to switch weapons.

Sounds pretty basic, right? It’s close to the
industry standard, for sure, but in setup alone. The way these mechanics play
out is a whole other story. Most significantly, the D-pad movement and touch
screen shooting are tremendously poor. You’ll get Timmy to move around the room
but not for long: in addition to stiff D-pad movements, the game is littered
with bad camera views that can’t be changed and bad level structures that are
hard to navigate. If you’re an experienced gamer, you’ve probably played enough
shooters to get by, albeit with anger and frustration building every minute.

In trying to shoot a plastic
adversary (who moves so slowly you’d swear he really was made of plastic),
you’ll discover that this game lacks an accurate aiming system. Consequently,
you can tap the screen as accurately as you like – hit the enemy perfectly every
time and still fail because the game interprets the shot as being less than
perfect. It’s these kind of moments that really infuriate players.

Don’t take flight. Don’t ever take
flight.

The horribly low-tech level designs would have
been tolerable had they been
structurally sound. But alas they are broken; the house and playroom
environments are little more than cardboard boxes drenched in 15-year-old
textures. Add to that a lousy camera that is permanently locked in a bird’s eye
view — the background stretches around as you move Timmy — and you’ve got a
shooter that is next to unplayable.

Gameplay: 3.0
A cumbersome and often convoluted third-person shooter that doesn’t play or
feel like the previous Army Men games.

Graphics: 1.0
Timmy (the main character) is a glitchy sprite while the backgrounds have a
faux 3D appearance. You’ll interact with the backgrounds, making your brain
think the game is three-dimensional. But your eyes won’t believe it.

Sound: 1.5
The sounds of footsteps. Endless footsteps! The same footstep sound over and
over again. (Plus annoying music in the background.)

Difficulty: Easy
It may be easy but the frustrations make it very difficult to play.

Concept: 5.0
Timmy is far from the coolest kid on the block, but the prospect of a kid
battling his own toys is somewhat interesting. The backgrounds, while hideous
with an overly dated engine, could have been impressive had they been produced
with better graphics and a more sensible structure.

Overall: 3.0
Nostalgia-seeking gamers may be tempted by Soldiers of Misfortune, if only
to relive the good-old days of Army Men gaming. But those days can only be
relived by playing the original Army Men; this newfangled (and disappointingly
mangled) sequel does not deliver.