Conan – 360 – Review

Remember the
scene in the Matrix where the crew of the Nebuchadnezzar is sitting around
eating some runny protein sludge and wondering if the machines really knew what Tastee Wheat tasted like? That maybe they got it wrong and anyone who claimed to
know what Tastee Wheat tasted like was probably wrong? The machines may have
tried hard to emulate the taste of Tastee Wheat, but chances are they failed to
capture it just right.

I bring this up
because this kept running through my mind while playing Conan. Published by THQ
and developed by Nihilistic, Conan is a blatant rip-off of the wildly successful
God of War franchise, with almost every gameplay element being lifted from the
latter. The game features the same variety of hack n’ slash elements, huge boss
battles, game controlled camera angles, etc. as the God of War games, although
the sluggish controls, insipid AI and repetitive action is new to Conan, and
bring the whole experience way down.

Conan’s storyline
isn’t terribly fantastic, and kind of hard to follow at points. The titular
Cimmerian Conan gets into a fight with a powerful and evil sorcerer named
Graven, who defeats him and takes his armor. He must then try to take on
Graven’s men in order to get all of the pieces back and keep him from conquering
the whole world. Conan has what you’d expect thematically from the Destroyer,
with plenty of violence and some nudity and, ahem, provocative situations thrown
in.

The combat
sequences are pretty fun for a brief period. You’ll be able to take on several
enemies at one time, and you can perform a variety of combos and reversals. The
most fun combat mechanic in the game is the ability to dismember your foes,
cutting off limbs and heads left and right.

However, before
too long, the whole affair gets very repetitive and the sluggish controls begin
to become more prevalent. There’s a slight delay in button responsiveness, and
Conan tends to move a beat slower than his opponents. This is a huge problem
since the AI will constantly exploit this. Oftentimes, you’ll be in the middle
of a combo when your enemy will launch immediately into his own without so much
as a chance for a block. Considering how strong Conan is, you think his attacks
would pack a bit more punch than that. One enemy that is outrageously cheap in
this regard are the Stygian warriors armed with spiked shields. Any attempt at a
heavy attack or even a light attack with a two-handed weapon will be reversed
due to the spiked shield. Therefore, the only thing that you can do against
these guys is hammer their shield repeatedly with light attacks with a
one-handed weapon, which doesn’t feel much like compelling combat.

Another issue in
the game are the load times. These usually run for about a minute or longer, and
occur every single time you need to reload the game after you die. Considering
how often you’re likely to die in this game, the length and frequency of the
load times is annoying to say the least.

The biggest
problem with the game is that it’s extremely derivative. The game feels too much
like God of War to stand out as a wholly unique experience, from the items to
the cut scene moments. The game uses an orb system exactly like God of War. By
dispatching enemies, destroying objects in the environment and opening treasure
chests you’ll find blue, green, and red orbs that dole out magic, health, and
experience. Experience can be used to purchase new combos from the menu.
Additionally, the context-sensitive situations are everywhere, and feel pulled
directly from Sony’s aforementioned series. I suppose an argument against this
would be that the Conan story and comics inspired many of the elements featured
in God of War, but as it stands, Kratos did most of these things years ago and
better.

To be fair, there
is one area in which the game doesn’t liberally borrow from God of War – the
weapon system. Conan can pick up any melee weapon that his enemies drop, with
each weapon divided into a few different groups, one-handed weapons, two-handed
weapons, and shields. One-handed weapons can be dual wielded or used in
conjunction with shields, while two-handed weapons like polearms and heavy
swords can only be used alone. Each weapon set has their own unique set of
combos.

Graphically, the
aesthetics are the one area where Conan gets it right. Drawing a heavy amount of
inspiration from the comics, Conan has a very stylized look, almost cel-shaded
in appearance. The copious amounts of gore are well-represented, with areas that
had previously hosted a showdown between you and a group of enemies looking like
a bloody mess. The framerates can slow down in intense situations and the camera
can be pretty lousy at times (especially in the obnoxious jumping puzzles), but
generally the game looks pretty good.

Soundwise the
game is a mixed bag. The score is pretty good and captures the feel of the Conan
universe well, and the combat sounds are well done. However, the voice acting is
very repetitive and lackluster, with the game’s banner actor (Hellboy’s Ron
Perlman as Conan) seemingly phoning this one in and not really caring too much
about what he’s saying.

Conan isn’t a
complete disappointment. The game does a good job of capturing the essence of
the hero, with all of the blood and gore and intense action that fans of the
books and comics would hope for. Still, as it stands on its gameplay merits,
Conan feels very derivative, the combat feels clunky and frustrating, and the
experience just isn’t worth the price of admission. Much like machines and
Tastee Wheat, the developers tried their damnedest to copy God of War, and they
couldn’t quite cut it.

Review Scoring Details for Conan

Gameplay:
6.0
The
game tries so hard to emulate God of War’s style, from the control scheme to the
context-sensitive moments, but unfortunately isn’t as compelling or nearly as
fun. The action is repetitive and grows dull after a while, the enemy AI is all
over the place, ranging from inept to frustratingly cheap, and the game
controlled camera angles are a huge pain when it comes to the scattered jumping
puzzles. Loading times are also just plain awful.

Graphics:
8.5
The
visual presentation is where Conan succeeds, offering a stylized look comparable
to the comics. The framerates can get a little boggy at points, but the game
looks pretty good generally.

Sound: 6.5
The
score is pretty well done as are the sound effects, but the dialogue can get
pretty repetitive. Ron Perlman’s voice work as Conan sounds pretty lackluster.

Difficulty:
Hard
The
game has a fair amount of horribly cheap enemies and frustrating
situations that boost the difficulty up quite a bit.

Concept:
6.0
The
storyline is pretty barebones, and the script elements are corny. Most of the
gameplay elements have been lifted from God of War, but the clunky controls and
general bugginess keep it from being nearly as fun.

Overall:
6.0
Conan
is an extremely short and derivative game that tries very hard to emulate God of
War, but fails to be as compelling or nearly as fun to play. There’s very little
replay value after you’ve finished the game, so even the hardest of hardcore
Conan fans will be satisfied with a rental at the very most.