Destroy All Humans: Crypto Does Vegas – MB – Review

One day the boys in green couldn’t take it
anymore. They would invade Earth once more, destroy all humans, and let no one
stand in their way.

“Not even Will Smith? He survived three alien
movies…and a deadly outbreak!”

No, not even him. Their mission is pretty
clear, and this time they’re taking it to the land of casinos. Destroy All
Humans! Crypto Does Vegas, the newest mobile edition of the Destroy All
Humans! series, is the story of an alien trying to make it big in the city. Or
is it the story of an alien trying to make a big bomb in the city? I couldn’t
say for sure – there was too much gunfire to make out the transmission.

Equipped with various guns, laser and grenade
launcher weapons, as well as a device that temporarily paralyzes the movement
of humans and multi-tentacle robots, Crypto is armed and eager to destroy.
He’ll blow up background objects, electrifying your phone’s tiny screen with
colors and effects somewhere between the quality of the NES and SNES consoles.

Crypto Does Vegas outfits players with a series
of basic tasks: entrap humans, protect an ally, and my favorite: shoot
anything that moves. The levels are very straightforward – you have one small
space to move around, a ton of enemies (police) to destroy, and a limited
amount of time to complete these goals. There is no clock winding down, but if
too many humans escape, a Mission Failed notice may follow.

Since this is Vegas, you won’t do battle with
average citizens. The police are in full force, but when you’re not zapping
the boys in blue, you’ll be going after showgirls, Elvis impersonators, and
other famous (or infamous) characters from the gambling capital of the world.

The isometric view and gameplay premise are
akin to the arcade classic Smash TV. Gunplay is quick; disappointingly, the
controls are not of the same quality. In a development move that’ll baffle the
minds of gamers everywhere, you don’t have any real control over your
character in this game. To move, you hold the left and right arrow keys on
your phone. This makes Crypto walk in a circle, a very tight circle that’s
next to impossible to control. Only when an arrow icon appears on screen can
you move to a new location, but even that is restrictive. When the arrow
appears, guide your alien in that direction (if you can!) and the controls
will take over and do the rest of the walking for you. Meanwhile, you’re free
to fight off attackers.

These confusing control elements are not
entirely unjust. With your crosshairs standing a quarter of an inch in front
of Crypto, aiming and movement are one in the same. When you adjust your
weapon to take out the King, Crypto spins right along with it. Theoretically
this was a good move. But have you ever tried to dodge bullets while dancing
the one-minute waltz? Try to imagine playing Smash TV that way. Whether you
could pull it off or not, it would be a lot easier to survive if you had the
ability to run in any direction.