We’ve seen some good Kinect games, and we’ve seen some bad Kinect games. However, we’ve never really gotten to the point where we’ve seen a Kinect game so awful that it almost made us swear off motion gaming entirely. That is, until this weekend, when a wrestling buddy invited us over to have some “fun” with Hulk Hogan’s Main Event. And by fun, he must’ve meant “trying to figure out how to make the damn thing work”, because, really, we’re still stuck.
This is how it’s SUPPOSED to work, according to the game’s star, Hulk Hogan. You enter the ring and perform a number of motions throughout your match. So, if you want to do a grapple, you swing your arms around as if you’re grabbing someone around the shoulders. If you want to perform straight punches, you throw them towards the Kinect. If you want to do other techniques, you have to follow the advice of the Hulkster.
Like I said, this is how it’s SUPPOSED to work, but the fact is, it doesn’t. Hulk Hogan’s Main Event has the worst motion-recognition system we’ve seen in a game yet. Try to do a grapple and it turns into a ground pound. Try to choke someone out and you inexplicably start running. It’s the worst kind of broken wrestling you can get. When you can’t even perform something as simple as a ring entrance pose with accuracy, you’ve got a problem. Worse yet, the game completely refuses your voice commands, a huge problem considering the game relies on them at certain points.
Even if the game’s controls worked, there’s the rhythm of the wrestling itself. Honestly, we’ve seen half-assed Acclaim games that play way better than this. This isn’t a wrestling game at all – it’s a motion based exercise game that links together actions during the match. It’s as if the game is made up of quick-time events, rather than a smooth-flowing match like any other wrestling game. To even call it wrestling is a deception – almost as deceiving as Hulk Hogan joining the NWO years ago. Except this is far, far worse. Plus, it costs you fifty bucks.
Let’s analyze even further. IF the game actually was put together as a straightforward wrestling game and had manageable controls, it’d still be unappealing. The cast of characters is as generic as it gets, without a single controllable superstar in sight. Instead, you have flaky, second-rate wannabes who aren’t worth following in Career Mode, let alone worth playing in any match. Worse yet, the Hulkster isn’t even a playable character – no matter how far you progress in the game. So what’s the point of him being here then? Just someone to call us “brother” while we try to deal with No-Name Redneck and Gruff Looking Moron?
So the controls are completely unresponsive, the wrestlers are a dull bunch, and Hulk Hogan isn’t playable. And yet, it gets WORSE. The game does feature a two-player mode, but SURPRISE! You can’t play at the same time. Instead, you alternate to try to get the highest score possible. When you have a wrestling game that doesn’t even have a fathomable versus mode, it’s worthless, especially when you’re having friends over for “fun”.
The presentation doesn’t do the game any favors. You’ve got some of the sloppiest textures ever put into a wrestling game, lame backdrops that consist of neighborhoods, and other locales where the sport doesn’t even fit in (save for backyard wrestling – and there’s better places to have it than this), and lame music. Then there’s Hulk, but we already get our fill of him every week on Impact Wrestling. When we’re in the mood to watch, anyway.
To sum it up, Hulk Hogan’s Main Event is destined to score the worst game of the year honors for 2011. It’s sloppy, hideous-looking, lacking in extras, and completely pointless, and the fact that you can’t even take on a friend in a real versus match takes away any remaining appeal. Eat your vitamins, say your prayers, and play something else, brother.
