M&Ms Kart Racing – WII – Review

Red, Yellow,
Blue, Orange and Green. To some, they’re just five of the colors that come in a
box of crayons. But to candy lovers, they are the mascots of the treat that
melts in your mouth, not in your hands – M&M’s.

They began
as a milk chocolate morsel coated in a sweet crispy shell. In more recent years
we’ve seen the addition of peanuts, peanut butter, and dark chocolate. Star Wars
jumped on board for a brief licensing campaign. The Addams Family did as well.
M&M’s has become the candy you can’t escape – and for many, the candy you could
never live without.

If this were
a commercial for one of M&M’s delicious flavors, you’d be rushing out to the
store right now to get a bag (or three – I like to buy in bulk to ensure I
always have some on hand). If reading this review caused your mouth to water as
much as mine did while writing it, you probably will go to the store anyway.

But this
isn’t a commercial, an online marketing campaign or any other type of candy
promotion. I am just an M&M’s-oholic, which is why I jumped at the chance to
review M&M’s Kart Racing. Set in a chocolate-loving world, M&M’s Kart Racing
stars the same colorful candies that have spent the last decade strengthening
the M&M’s brand. More than five vehicles and 10 courses are included. Some of
the courses have sweet tooth-tingling names like "Chocolate Volcano" and
"Chocolate Factory." Others, such as "Forest" and "The Farm," are a bit more
traditional.

There are
also a few courses that seemed to have come out of nowhere: "Sea Carrier,"
"Alien Space Craft," "Alien HQ." Were these inspired by intergalactic M&M’s
candies, the kind they must be selling on planets the human race has yet to
discover? Dang, I think my tongue just went numb.

Much like
the candies this game is based on, M&M’s Kart Racing comes in a shell. Once the
morsel (game disc) inside is removed, you start to think about all the wonder
that could be held within. Kart racers are generally fun, especially those
determined to clone the inventor of this sub-genre, Mario Kart.

Red didn’t know Santa really
existed, and Santa didn’t know that talking M&M’s existed. Personally, I was
surprised the day I met Cool Spot. He was sitting in the street with a sign that
said, “Will fizz for food.”

But just as
you cringe when you bite into a peanut M&M whose nut has gone stale, M&M’s Kart
Racing is not a fresh taste. I anticipated that, and was looking forward to
whatever kind of racing experience it could muster. Somewhere along the
development cycle, the meaning of the word "racing" was lost, leaving "cart" as
the remaining point of gameplay – as in "shopping cart," which is what it feels
like you’re controlling.

The first
and biggest problem is that the levels are awkward, overcrowded, and do not make
much sense. "The House," for example, is a course filled with square rooms and
narrow doorways. There is not much room to move around each area, nor can
you fit more than one kart through the doorway at one time. It’s not easy to
line up your racer with the doorway either, which means you’ll spend most of the
game ramming into walls and getting stuck behind furniture.

"Sea
Carrier" is not much different. It too is an awkward mess of unfavorable
barriers that keep you from racing smoothly. "Forest" is one of the more open
courses, but it suffers from a total lack of direction. There are arrows
pointing where to turn in select areas. Other than that, you won’t receive a
single guide. In most cases you’ll have to make a choice between the proper
direction and a dead end. Driving in reverse is not a user-friendly task. The
game is not difficult, so you don’t have to worry about losing the race because
of 10 or 20 consecutive crashes. But unless you are willing to play a game for
the sake of playing, there’s little chance that you’ll be entertained.

I never
complained when my parents said, “Eat your greens!” I listened intently – and
ate more green M&M’s.

Red, Yellow,
Blue, Orange and Green are offered as playable characters, but they differ only
in shape and color, nothing else. The vehicles differ in speed, acceleration,
handling, and other common stats. But when racing, you’ll only notice a slight
difference between them.

The controls
themselves are almost iffy. That’s the best thing I can say about them. I’m less
amused by the camera, which is locked into one position and cannot be altered in
any way. This makes it impossible to see where you’re going half the time. The
other half is hampered by a hectic frame rate, an exhaustingly slow speed limit,
and annoying voice-overs that chime in to remind the player that he or she needs
a better engine. Believe me M&M’s, that isn’t the only improvement needed.

Review Scoring Details for M&M’s Kart Racing

Gameplay: 2.0
You can’t play a
racing game when there are walls – literally walls – that prevent you from
driving more than two miles an hour.

Graphics:
2.0
I know this look.
I used to see it every year in bad N64 games. Now it’s being brought back to
Nintendo Wii, a system that came 10 years later. All I can ask is: why?

Sound: 1.0
One music track.
One! Played repeatedly until you want to choke your speakers.

Difficulty: Easy
It’s a
frustrating mess, but you’ll still find it hard to lose.

Concept: 1.0
How can you mess
up a kart racer this bad?

Multiplayer: 1.0
It’s unlikely
that anyone will want to share this experience with their friends.

Overall: 2.0
This one has
already melted.