So disappointing…
How’s that for an intro? "So
disappointing;" well, I have to tell you, I’m not shooting from the hip here,
the first tank game on the DS (as far as I know) was supposed to be an
exercise in quick stylus play, snappy characters, action and, well, tanks
being blown up. Turns out one out of four is not good. No, Tank Beat (TB)
seems to have gotten off on a wrong foot, and never really recovers.
Ok, so here’s the thing, the story
mode is the primary play (more on the multiplayer below) in it, you play as
another one of the cookie-cutter style heroes who takes up arms in order to
reclaim your once-grand country that has been overwhelmed by insurgent forces.
Sound familiar? You, a renegade, hot-shot rebel tank pilot fighting against
the evil (ahem, empire) army who has taken over your land. Yes, this plot line
has been done to death with a 1,000 movies, books and games. But the fun
doesn’t end there. To go along with this well-used plot device, we have what
seems to be, poorly translated cutscene dialogue that really leaves you
scratching your head. Are we fighting a war here people, or are we ordering
dinner? The dialogue, as it is, jumps around too much and made me wonder as if
this was based on some obscure anime that I have never seen. Well whether it
is or isn’t the game is certainly lacking any sort of cohesiveness that games
of this ilk need to keep it all together. Did I mention this title is
confusing?
"Is that a tank or a loaf of bread?"
Yeah, yeah, yeah Mike, I just hit
the button and don’t read about all that boring plot stuff, get to the goods,
lets talk about the destruction. Ok, I hear you and I know what you mean. Once
you manage to swim through the oily-black plot and conversations, you get into
the tank and off you go. Firing at enemy panzers as they line up to take you
or your allies out. Strafing enemy fire, dodging land mines as you race up a
hill to save a P.O.W. The action comes at you at a blistering pace that will
leave you sweaty and wanting more. Really? No, not at all, this game has
absolutely none of what I just said. I just wanted to type to you about the
game I thought this should have been.
Instead, TB, is an exercise in
pure pain. Driving the tanks is easily one of the most tedious and boring
things to ever do with your DS, and you are in a tank mind you. The upper
screen is used to view the action from a real-time perspective, your tanks
rolling along, it’s little grainy pixels churning up the drab, un-textured
landscape. The lower screen is how you move and fire. It is viewed by looking
at what appears to be a modern rehash of the classic Atari game "Combat."
Little tiny dots represent you, your enemies and the other poor souls who were
swept up in this war. By directing your stylus on the lower screen you can
visually see your little tank moving on the upper screen. Since red dots
represent your enemies, you line up your tank accordingly and hit the fire
button on the screen. With some luck and lots of patience, you will hit your
desired target and all will be right with the world. And there you go, TB in a
nutshell. Oh, sorry, one more thing, when moving around the map, you use the
stylus to draw the path you would like to take. If you happen to be in a tank
that has to stop to fire, you must re-draw the path you would like to take.
"That is entirely too much verbiage for
a DS title."
I already kind of beat up on the
graphics above, but let’s throw a couple more jabs at the subject. Sadly, this
title falls prey to poor development. Not that the folks at O-3 Entertainment
don’t know what they are doing; I’m sure they do, but this title really has
some below par visuals. The in-game action is horribly diluted, there isn’t
any real sort of detail one would hope from a game like this. The explosions
are really, really pixilated and reminded me of some early 90s visuals. The
whole lower screen top-down view of a map doesn’t do the game any favors,
c’mon we have seen what the DS can produce visually, this game would look bad
on the GBA.
The audio is more of the same,
poorly issued tank commands from your allies not only serve to get you killed,
but are spoken with all of the enthusiasm of someone ordering liver and
onions.
Explosions and wafer thin tank
fire set the game up for a rousing bout of needmyIpoditis.
The game does feature both single
card downloadable play, multi card play and online play. I found absolutely no
one to play with online. I did, however, rope my niece into playing the
multiplayer match with me via the single-card download. She still isn’t
talking to me. For a game to be as trite and un-fun as this, one only needs to
convince someone to play with you. While the game does feature different tanks
to combat against, the idea behind the controlling of the tanks is just so
poorly realized that multiplayer mode becomes an exercise in who can avoid
enemy fire longer. No fun found in the multiplayer.
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Gameplay: 3.4
Well, you use the stylus, but
that’s where the positives end. A repetitive, mind-numbing game if there ever
was one. The game’s story mode can be beat in a few hours.
Graphics: 2.4
You can literally count the grainy
pixilated items in the game. And you don’t even have to know how to count that
high.
Sound: 2.8
The first time your allies tell
you there is an enemy on the right, and they come from the left, you know that
you are dealing with incompetence.
Difficulty: Easy
difficulty.
Concept: 4.0
It should have been a better
formulated idea, just because it is a tank game, doesn’t mean it’s gonna be a
winner.
Multiplayer: 3.0
You can usually count on a
multiplayer mode to buoy a poor game because you enemy is another "real"
person. It doesn’t count in this case.
Overall: 3.1
I wanted this title because I
wanted to play a kick-butt tank game on the DS, there is nothing in this game
that represents fun. I hate to say that, but when all the members of the house
give it a try and no one could say anything good about it, well, that just
seals the deal. Don’t even bother buying this one when it hits the clearance
shelf for $2.99.
